Being Human: Navigating Mistakes with Love as a Dog Mum
When I sat down to write this post, memories of the many mistakes I’ve made as a dog mum, trainer, and human being came flooding into the forefront of my mind. While I won’t bore you with all of them, one moment stands out as it was so preventable. It was a mistake that felt like a massive setback in our progress and made me doubt my ability to continue training.
It happened with my newest adoptee, Rory, and our amazing rehab vet. Rory came to me with a host of challenges: fear-based reactivity toward people, reactivity in the car, extreme flight response, many environmental and food allergies, and gastrointestinal issues. Over the past two years, we’ve been tackling these issues one by one. Yet, one area remains a work in progress: vet exams.
A Lesson from Rory
We had just completed a live course on cooperative care by the incredible Laura Monaco Torelli and had been making significant strides. Rory was becoming increasingly comfortable around our rehab vet, who visits our studio to work on my senior girls. This was a step toward working in the clinic, which is extremely triggering for Rory.
One afternoon, our vet was scheduled to work on one of my seniors, Monti. I was having a ‘day’ and failed to follow our usual pre-vet visit setup—exercise, foraging, and increasing one of Rory’s medications (per our Veterinary Behaviorist). Rory wanted to join us in the studio and was very loud in his demands. Exhausted and feeling spread thin I let him in to join us.
At first, everything went well. Rory even chose to lie near Doc as she worked on Monti. Then, Doc pulled out a large, noisy massage wand. Rory startled and moved away. Distracted by supporting Monti, I failed to act on his discomfort. As Doc continued working on Monti, her face and the vibrating wand moved closer to where Rory was sitting, leaving him no escape. In an instant, Rory lunged at her.
Thankfully, there was no injury, but the moment felt devastating. All our hard work building Rory’s trust in Doc seemed to unravel. I had multiple management options: I could have cued Rory to go to a crate he loves or let him out into the backyard. Better yet, I could have kept him out of the session to focus on Monti. But in my exhaustion, I didn’t.
Embracing Humanity in Dog Parenting
We all make mistakes. As dog mums, those moments don’t define us—they teach us.
We are humans first, dog parents/guardians second, and trainers third. Life is complex, and just as we work on changing our dog’s behavior, we often discover how our own behaviors and habits impact our dogs. Mistakes are inevitable, and it’s essential to approach them with compassion.
When I put on my trainer hat, I can view my mistakes as I would a dog’s behavior. If a dog’s behavior isn’t what I expected, I don’t get mad—I see it as information. Mistakes give us valuable feedback, allowing us to reassess, tweak, and try again. This perspective fosters discovery and growth, even amid frustration or doubt.
Shifting Perspective: Mistakes Are Information
Mistakes are not failures—they’re feedback.
When your dog doesn’t respond to a cue, it’s not because they’re being stubborn. It’s information about a breakdown in communication. Ask yourself:
- Do I have my dog’s attention?
- How effective is my reinforcement?
- Does my dog understand the cue in this context?
Reflecting on my own missteps, I’ve learned to prioritize advocating for my dogs. Teaching them how to opt in and out of situations (and being present to listen), giving them as much choice as possible, and eliminating unnecessary stressors has deepened our bond. Mistakes have fine-tuned my approach and strengthened our connection.
Practical Strategies for Navigating Mistakes
- Pause and Breathe
- A deep inhale followed by a long exhale helps you reset and signals your dog to relax.
- Acknowledge the mistake without judgment. It’s just information.
- Reassess and Adjust
- Example: If your dog reacts to a trigger, think about what you can change next time. Can you increase distance, reduce intensity, or use a different reinforcer?
- Practice Self-Compassion
- Imagine a loved one in your shoes. What would you say to them? Offer yourself the same grace.
- If that’s hard, think of yourself as a child. How would you comfort and encourage them?
Mistakes Strengthen Connection
When we accept that we’re learning, we’re more likely to have compassion for our dogs as they learn. This mutual understanding strengthens our bond.
Dogs live in the moment and remind us of the power of moving forward. They don’t dwell on our mistakes, so why should we?
Your dog doesn’t need perfection. They need your love, patience, and presence. Next time you make a mistake, take a deep breath and remind yourself: This is part of the journey. You and your dog are learning together.
What Helps You Recharge?
Caring for dogs with behavior challenges can be emotionally draining. What activities help you recharge and meet your own needs? If you need inspiration, this podcast episode discusses science-backed ways to manage stress.
Investing in Relationships
Community makes a difference. Surround yourself with people who support and cheer for you. They can help you navigate challenges, see clearly in difficult times, and prioritize self-care. Find or build a community invested in helping you care for yourself and your dogs.
Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
If something isn’t working, adjust. Progress is not linear, and that’s okay. Mistakes are just stepping stones on the path to growth.
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